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November 7th
I ask/pray to God for guidance, to help me get out of this slump I’ve been in and lead me the way out of it. Feeling uninspired to inspired all at once. Having mixed emotions because I know how to feel with my heart but don’t know how to use it properly as I’m still learning. I can have a great week and the next it be something else like a rollercoaster that won’t let me get off. Sometimes I know what makes me happy and what I must do to stay in this route but then life happens and I know that God is teaching me these lessons that I think at the moment are disasters. When everything happens bad at once and I think it’s the end of the world when I damn well know it’s not and this is just a lesson/miracle I’m missing. I’m still learning everyday how to accept and how to react to all this. I feel foolish sometimes because I’ll be praying all day about random things and things that I feel like don’t matter. I want to be successful in the field that I’m working in, I want to intrigue and connect with my audience and build a relationship with them but I feel like I’m seriously lacking at that. I think this is my toughest trait to socialize with people and be kind. Something I was never good at but I want to change that. I want to be kind, be nice, smile, be humble, mindful of others, be generous. All the traits I never was, never got taught. I don’t like who I was, I changing everyday but there are days I let myself go back to my old self. I get mad and feel like I failed.
Let me tell this to myself. I haven’t failed. I’ve come farther that I could in the last couple of months. I’ve become stronger and know that I want to be a better person. Success isn’t going to happen overnight but by making a change in your daily life you can make a difference. Being humble and knowing that if you give it’ll come right back not for the wrong reasons but the right because if you give and there is no love you gain nothing. I demand to be a change in myself to see life, family, money, God, love in a different perspective. To give my whole heart instead of half of it. I rather lose everything I have than keep everything and lose my love ones. Continue to work hard and feel with your heart. Love where you are, the people around you and connect with them on a level you haven’t yet. Break out of your shell and put yourself out there. Don’t forget what brought you here and that God is always with you. You’re never alone, you have to believe and trust. Love like you never loved before. You can do this.
November 4th
You showed up again. So vivid, so real, you left a trace of you. Wanting more of this but it’s only a dream. I can’t remember if last time felt this true to heart. This excited to have taken that step further. That there was no rejection this time but lust from you or maybe love. Why is it you keep hunting my mind, playing with my dreams. I can only wish it were happening to you. Seems silly thinking it’s you, that after all this time you can make me feel like this when I never even had you in the first place. My heart is telling me something and my mind is saying another. I have to let you go and as hard as I try I don’t succeed. I can only go on and ask myself, why, why, why… Why now? What is this? I’m looking too deep into it when it doesn’t really matter. I hope this can come to an end soon. Our days are over because you’re just a fiction of my imagination. We never were and never going to be. We’ll only have our birthdays and our childhood together but nothing more of this rendezvous.
T. Bologna how much I loved you. My whole childhood and some teen years and till this day you still make my heart go crazy.
I pray this would be the end.
October 27th
A year ago today I got fired from a job I thought was perfect for me. God knew that it wasn’t for me. At the time I didn’t see it as a blessing as I do now. I remember now asking God to take the bad out of my life and I guess that job was bad for me. I prayed He delivered. He continues to do so. I’ve also been learning that when I medal with God’s plan it back fires because you see God has a set plan for you. A blue print of your life, if you will. He knows whats best for you and what you need. I thought I knew what I needed and wanted. God shows me what He wants for me in my heart and envisions it in my mind. It’s up to me to walk with Him and deliver.
I’ve come a long way and I’m so proud of myself but I don’t want it to get my ego feed. I know that it’s from Him, from prayer, to having bad days, to even the good ones. It all came because of Him. This time around I see God in a way I never did, I didn’t know Him like I know Him now. He saved me from drugs, from nightmares, from a broken heart and everyday He continues to save me.
This was the best thing I could have done for myself and I owe it to God for always leading me back to Him. It that case in point always knowing what I needed. My happiness, love, humbleness comes from Him. I’m not where I want to be but I’m far from where I was. I’m excited for this season I’m in with Him and looking forward to enjoying the present moment with Him, my family and friends.
If you are broken inside or having some hard days, a simple prayer or meditation can make a difference. Believe me I know it’s easier said than done. But YOU gotta make that first move. Choose to change your life for the better. You’re work isn’t done because something small isn’t working out. Change the way you look at it, do it differently. Know you are NEVER alone. When you can’t feel Him, He’s there.
I could have put this all differently but I just wanted it to speak from my heart. let you know I overcame what I never thought I would. God is there ready to hear you.
God bless
September 25
Time traveling in my mind, back to those days I feel in love. The love of you in my tummy, the love of falling in love with you. So innocent love, yet taken out of orthodox. To feel it, in my heart, takes my breath away. Closing my eyes and traveling as if I haven’t left those days behind me. Reliving those moments I thought were dust. The good the bad, the ugly, the true everlasting love. It grows and grows and grows. Becomes one and no harm can be done. It wins.
How can this be? After time has passed I didn’t foresee this. I imagined those days would never come again. Here I am in the present, writing with nothing blocking my words. You put me in a dark hole I couldn’t get myself out. I allowed you to cover me in dirt and leave me there to die. Years later I knew love again, to feel with it when I wanted to. I control it, never in my wildest dreams did I think I could do such a thing. That day many moons ago I let you tear me up. I had no heart because it was broken by your words, but it was not your fault for it was mine. I did not know what I know now. To love yourself, love where you are, love everything. Love wins and you did not.
I can write sadness. I can write love. I can write of you and me. I can write of how you made me feel again. I can write of how you saved me. I can write those beautiful first days of our love. I can write how it grew and grew and it continues to grow. I can write how I didn’t think someone like you would put me back to pieces and see true love. See that light ahead and leaving the darkness I knew as home. See how it’s changed me and made something of myself. See that there’s much more than I put myself to see. See that no fear lives in my heart but love. Love that awakens my soul and my mind and fills my body whole. Love that has me feeling so high I don’t want to come down. Love that you and I created out of innocence. Love that no one can break. Love that this is my new home with you in it.
I feel everything at once. I can feel your energy, your love, your pain, your touch. Its my superpower. I can control your mind, and how you feel. Let me be the one to heal you. Take you beyond the horizon and make you see the world you could live in with me. Leave everything that doesn’t make you feel behind. Know that I’m here to protect you and give you love. I know who you are and what you could be. I see the great in you but you have fear in your eyes. I will bring no harm but rejoice. Take my hand don’t be afraid, sense that I am here, use me as your weapon. Now take a deep breath close your eyes and take that first step with me and you will see.
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July 26
You’ve been running on my mind frequently. I never not thought about you but lately it’s more than usual. Appearing in my dreams, even my day dreams. I don’t know if this is a sign to let you go even though I never had you or to pursue this. Maybe it’s just a phase. These dreams with you feel real all the time. When I dream of other things I know they’re fictional but with you, I wake up and my heart, my body, feels like I’ve touched you. The end of my dream with you is always you rejecting me. Like decades ago you did. It’s weird you never gave me a chance. Not even when we were teenagers and knew a little more about life and love. I’m the happiest I ever been in my relationship right now with my boyfriend. We’ve been through waves, thunderstorms and even warm days that I don’t want to be with anyone else but him. We recently promised ourselves to each other. And now you pop out everywhere. I can’t help but think that you think of me. I loved you so much as a friend Mendez for so many years. I loved you even when you didn’t want me. I loved you even when we both moved away. You were my first kiss. My first guy friend. My first true love. I just don’t want to get interrupted by you anymore. I’m letting you go, leaving you in the past and remembering you being so sweet, nice, honest and handsome. We only talk once a year when we say happy birthday to each other because they’re two weeks away, that, I can never forget. You’re the best I never had. You’re going to make a women so happy one day because you are such a charmer. I think this is a way to allow myself to finally let go of everything I truly loved and cherished and be free and be in love with my future husband. He’s amazing and beautiful and I can’t wait to start a family with him and be his forever. We were friends first and for some reason I think it was fate for us to get together after a few years. He makes me laugh like crazy, and loves my seed even though it’s not his, and for that I’m madly in love with him. He’s the only one who really knows me. Predictable, that what he says I am. He came into my life and changed it right side up. My clouds of gray went away and my frown became a smile. Charlie and him mean the world to me. So since I’ve been doing and now with a little load of my mind, I will continue to be in love with my men and life. I’m blessed to have experienced the things I did and learn from them. You, now I know, were maybe a lesson I just had to learn without wanting to.
Goodbye TM.
Feb 23
I’m suppose to officially start work on Monday and right now I’m feeling so low because of a boy. Again I’m here because I let his words hurt me. He doesn’t even wanna talk about it. Like wtf, and I’m feel so weird like hopeless but I know I’m not. It’s just our relationship everything I was standing for he really isn’t. I thought we were suppose to be in this together and now I feel like it’s just me. I also know it’s not but this is what it feels like. I’m even trying to make convo and I receive nothing. I hate myself because it was so so so so good almost too good to be true and now he hits me with this. It’s not the ending but I feel like a void in my heart. It wasn’t there and now theres this big one. I know better than this btw. I know it’s going to be okay but right now I can’t even get a word out or nothing. I want the affection and cuddles and love that was there, that is still there. Ugh this sucks at fucken 27 I’m still dealing with boy problems. I thought it ended. I thought this whole thing was established and we moved past it but I made a step back and now I can’t more forward or don’t know what to do. Contemplating all day long about this letting it ruin my day. I’m suppose to be celebrating, feeling happy. It’s just one bad day but there’s not going to be a second one. Man this sucks. I’m gonna take 3 breaths and hope for the best turn my mood around and enjoy what I have, and the rest of my Friday.
dulect